All our clients had horrible experiences before they came to us. My spouse has all the power. These facts really says something about them not having a cohesive, or explainable, formula for marriage. Moreover, you can’t keep a counselor at home, so you need to have the right tools on hand for your marriage. You and your spouse are too intricately interlaced, and this at a very deep level. Traditional marriage counseling is all so “flimsy”. There are, at times, such horrendous behaviors that are rooted in deep mental sickness, or evil. A pox on those evil therapists! You may try them free, individually, or as a bundle. Guest. Get counseling for yourself, and maybe even marriage counseling, too. In most of life’s interactions there is competition on one level or another. My marriage is on the rocks. She figured couples counseling was the way to work our their relationship issues.” — MrsAHole. First – Working on “problems” or “issues” distracts you from learning about and working on the underlying dynamics of your marriage, and that is an absolute requirement to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. It is just human nature to make our complaints really sound good so we get sympathy…right? Otherwise, all you’re doing if you’re trying to “fix a problem” is sweeping the porch in a dust storm. You might think, from their age and practiced demeanor, that they really understand marriage. But it is a tragic error to do so; it is “taking sides”. We never learned how to be married. Because of those useful studies we know a lot, but they do not lead to “treatments”. Marriage is a living organism Marriage is a “whole society” comprised of only the two of you. All that you stated above I … The underlying dynamics have to change. Marriage is superior to anything else in the world, and we knew it when we got married. With our generous guarantee it should be a no-brainer to try. Individual therapy is often very helpful. There is no “winging it”. Almost anything that “happened in the past” (from infidelity, to lying, to …. So, the first step to take is stop the negative cycles, not bring them up for analysis. Marriage is not a business, where problems need immediate solutions. She became so attached to the therapist that had encouraged her to “work on herself” and concluded that it was her husband that was the problem. Although therapists are supposed to be neutral and should take their ego and/or personal agendas out of the session, there are male therapists who have an axe to grind with verbally abusive women and there are female therapists who have a dislike for “controlling” men. I have been thinking about leaving the marriage because of them and to protect my children too. Famous marriage family therapists, such as Gottman, cautiously state “Marriage counseling is hard work, and there are no guarantees.”. Our TMF counselors never leave people hanging. The Enneagram helped bring focus and understanding to the intricacy of our differences. That is “it” in very simple form. Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com. When it comes to the reasons why marriages work, or fail, therapists do not have anything but “educated” guesses; either their’s or someone else’s. We also have two books. You will still get the great (not just “good”) results you seek. “My cousin went to counseling because her husband cuts the sandwich straight inside of diagonal. I have created a very commonsensical approach that is efficient, effective, and coherent. Donna How harsh is your criticism of what you call my dialogue! In the case of your physical health most people also want suggestions based on the latest research, to help with improvements from that point forward. Excuses are not useful. I think you’d find a ton of people who would be super interested in your blog here. Add to that your general lack of patience with each other and the fact that trust is very low. They make sure the person reaching out is 100% clear, and know how to approach their next steps. How you communicate your past, or current problems, is never going to be truly accurate because your memory is imperfect. I say you can use ‘what got you here’ as an incentive to do what you need to do, starting now. How you see your own actions and past experiences is unique, subconsciously edited, and highly filtered. They ask their clients to share their experiences and feelings, so they can work from the problem(s) backwards to the causes and help them find balance. Your heart will definitely fail again, later. “How does next Tuesday at 11 a.m. work?” she asks. No , i just skipped through your “dialogue”. Anxiety is ruining my marriage, help! Worse still, it is common for one spouse to feel that the therapist is able to provide the warm, understanding, and available presence he or she is looking for in the marriage. “My sister in law made an appointment for marriage counseling because her husband greeted their dog before her when coming home from work.” — Freyja_the_derpyderp. But we can learn, and not repeat the same mistakes. What changed now? I do not believe all individual therapy is harmful for a marriage. Marriage family therapists don’t share relevant statistics with new clients. The last thing to do is point out each other’s flaws and errors, which will make both of you angrier and less appreciated; but that is exactly what happens, almost every time. The best way to fix a relationship is for both spouses to work on their marriage together. Their positive claims, made in articles that support marriage counseling, are usually over-stated, and disingenuous. Its just impossible to understand marriage based on data. A little jealousy can be reassuring in a relationship and may even be programmed into us. The same kind of expectations are reasonable for a plumber, computer repair person, dentist, or doctor. My husband and I went to counseling for years thinking there was something wrong with us, but we finally realized that the counseling was the problem. Most marriages heal quickly. Many of marriage’s rules will not work in other venues because you will be disadvantaged. I am a psychologist who specializes in marriage rescue for couples facing marital problems. 8. The depth of the hole you may have dug yourself into is barely an issue. But if your marriage is rooted in chronic conditions, such as taking each other for granted, arguing, or routine disrespectful behavior, the fruits of your marriage will all be problematic. Although the fear of things getting even worse prevents many couples from cancelling their next appointment, getting out will not hurt you. However, that table is now covered with nasty “stuff”. And, we don’t want you to just stop doing a few things you are doing “wrong” (and wrong in one marriage may be fine in others). “Not me but my buddy’s wife demanded counseling after he refused to ‘fix’ his habit of leaving the seat up. When I told her how unusual it was, from my experience, for marriage counselors to actually help marriages she said: “Oh, she, (the marriage counselor), wasn’t able to help us stay together, we’re filing for divorce at the end of the week, but we really like her.”. At least not what most people would consider useful for marriage help, there is just no way to know. You learn how to be yourselves in a “married” way. Whether or not it was true, those words had a profound effect on the husband and it forever tarnished the way he viewed his wife. Your desire for happiness, through love, is why you got married in the first place. Even a “doctor” label doesn’t tell us anything other than after a certain point of education the person did some kind of research, created a thesis, and earned a doctorate degree. If you have the right intention, everything can be repaired. The underlying dynamics of your marriage are always the roots of the problems. After grueling (and expensive) months of little or no positive progress, therapists finally sent their clients to me, or to a family law lawyer (especially if they had screwed up by taking sides) to get a divorce. Each must address their own flaws in their own time, in their own way. Yes, there are some “typical” processes most traditional marriage counselors use. Because he taught counseling at the collage level his aim, before he passed, was to introduce our principles and techniques to his students. Nothing is proven. Remember, both of you are already feeling awful, usually angry, discouraged, and disconnected. Your marriage should get better, right from the start, as you recognize the simple “toxic” things you do that undermine your happiness, and stop them. In contrast, my specific list of steps were outlined on my whiteboard. That’s the right way. Unlike in other professions, where healing protocols are ultimately derived from all practitioners using the same protocols, testing minor changes in a standardized way, then improving upon the same protocols, there are no processes within the broad “school of psychology” to facilitate that. The therapists who are labeled ‘MFT’s’, or marriage family therapists, are not trained in a universal way. The most embarrassing excuses for the poor results traditional marriage counseling achieves, ironically come from some of the most highly recognized “experts” in their field. When you hire a psychologist there isn’t any way to know what they know, how they will approach marriage, how they will guide you, how their past clients have fared, or how your marriage will end up…its all risk! It seems like every year there is a new “we were bad in the past, but now we are good” pronouncement, with a new “treatment”. An Exceptional Opportunity from Longtime NCSY and Yachad Supporters. His philosophy and approach were effective, and he helped many couples. Sure, we hear about outer influences that appear to affect your marriage, but they are not supposed to be allowed into your micro society. The employee then changes his/her behavior, and everything will be fine from then forward. “A few years ago I started seeing an individual therapist…” she begins. It is time to address the core of your marriage. It takes proactive, knowledgeable actions to work the wonders you deserve in your marriage. You wouldn’t want to stake the success of your marriage on treatments based on these kinds of studies. 5 Ways to Tell if Marriage Counseling is Ruining Your Marriage October 30, 2019 Sheila Qualls Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! I wrote it because there are alternatives to traditional marriage counseling that will give you what you need for your marriage. (opens in a new window). Prev. Perhaps there are therapists who begin with something along the lines of “would you like to have an amazing marriage?”, but I have never heard of them. I know they don’t because I do. 13. There are four primary “aspects” to marriage. I have been helping thousands of marriages for many years using a system that I designed and perfected to help even the most desperate couples; inexpensively- with support from counselors. A marriage professional should know what they are doing well enough to be able to get you back on the path of happiness, almost no matter what. Long story short.... about six years ago (before we were married), I found an email (yes, snooping, bad) from my then boyfriend (now husband) to his ex-girlfriend. We get questioned (challenged may be a better word) regularly, mostly by men, who just want to change “one thing”, or two. My heart is broken when I hear about young couples with little kids getting divorced. While these may all be forms of verbal abuse, they can often be dealt with and couples’ behavior can change. What makes a marriage healthy is the support that spouses get from each other. But we are most thankful for those marriages we help. It is time to address the underlying dynamics that sustain everything else. HR may call in an employee to explain why a certain behavior is not working. The reasons for their reliability have a lot to do with a consistent “body of knowledge” for their particular profession. Ouch! Of course not! Practical simple explanations and approaches such as ours work. So, many couples who trusted the traditional route, and could afford it, are now watching their families get torn apart. And our TMF trained counselors will help and encourage you when you need it. They cannot be traced back to a particular “cause” being responsible for the problem. Such decisions have devastating effects on future generations. Its a venue of life that is not subjected to the same kinds of problems you encounter in “regular” life. Good therapists for marriages, never try to solve problems, or even help couples solve their problems. Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring.. Psychology is a purely individual affair. At the same time, for an individual who is married and unhappy in part because of marriage problems, this may not … Marriage has “supreme” benefits you cannot find elsewhere. How will that help you? We have had to discontinue the training of some therapists who wanted to be certified by The Marriage Foundation. It is the same today for our courses. Even the most well-intentioned therapists can be harmful if they are advising you about your spouse when he or she isn’t there. The declining happiness in their marriage was why they became our clients. And, to really drive home the point of them not having a consistent body of knowledge… the rate of divorce among psychologists is higher than average! While some may claim that it is easy to move on from a cheating episode, it has some lasting impact which can severely damage a marriage. Traditional marriage counseling will not help you to “ get from here to there”. #4: Find Someone Who Completes You . There are many excuses marriage counselors have for their failures, instead of admitting they don’t truly understand marriage. Which brings me back to Jean, our therapist. Our TMF counselors have a clear and consistent understanding of marriage. “My uncle and his wife, reasoning:she lost a frying pan.” — DangDog_crapper_god. This terrible marriage advice would have completely ruined my marriage, and mostly because I’d still be single if I … Marriage is so great because there are immense benefits you cannot find anywhere else in life. But psychological training for marriage counseling is not standardized. Because at its core marriage is about souls joining together…remember? Its scary! If you go to marriage counseling, you will be PREPARED to make the most of it. Had I read this before Maybe I would still be married. I never thought so. Marriage is the “safe zone” in the unsafe world. Effectively, and although it’s a “crude” way to put this, they are all winging it. The combination of an online tutorial and access to our trained and loving counselors is the best way I know of to heal any marriage as quickly and effectively as is humanly possible. Whatever you do, don’t let your therapist destroy your marriage! Again, because there are no universal approaches in their “soft” profession. Here is one example I have heard over the years from more than one couple: “We’ve been married 20 years and it has been pretty bad, but now I have no desire to work on the relationship and I am ready for divorce.” They went together for years of bad marriage counseling that didn’t help, yet they still stayed together. This may surprise you, because its not commonly known. There are two online programs, one for women, another for men, and both include access to our specially trained counselors. The underlying dynamics of your marriage, which need to be oriented around happiness and love can always be refashioned into happiness producing actions, and pretty quickly. So, instead of focusing on existing problems, they teach couples HOW to use marriage building techniques; how to get along so well that there won’t be any more problems. The first marriage counselors were clergy, which makes much more sense. 1. The key to happiness is always rooted in love, no matter what. They did not grow up witnessing a healthy relationship. If you have to be the one who has to heal your marriage by yourself, please read this informative article. I, of course, also gave plenty of thought— obsessive amounts of thought—to my husband's role in our breakup, but as I am learning and relearning, there is always more than one side to each story. There are some counselors who will keep you in counseling for months or years with the “promise” of a better future or better “you”. At the end of the day, a marriage that you both want and are excited about, that should be your goal. Instruct me on what you need to talk about your marriage ’ s up question. 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